
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/8019592.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M, Other
  Fandom:
      Bartimaeus_Trilogy
  Relationship:
      Bartimaeus/Nathaniel, Bartimaeus/Ptolemy, Ptolemy/Kitty_Jones
  Character:
      Nathaniel_(John_Mandrake), Bartimaeus, Ptolemy, Kitty_Jones, Simon
      Lovelace, (more_to_be_added_as_story_progresses)
  Additional Tags:
      Yaoi, Shounen-ai, Afterlife, Alternate_Universe, High_School, Possible
      OOC-ness, Angst, Fluff(?), Dark_Themes_(in_later_chapters), Uke
      Nathaniel, NSFW, ヤオイ, 少年愛, ナサニエル/ジョン・マンドレーク, バーティミアス/バーティメアス, プトレマイオス/
      トレミ, キティ・ジョーンス, サイモン・ラヴレース, ナサニエル受け
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-09-12 Chapters: 2/? Words: 4139
****** The Impossibility of Not Falling In Love With You (Again) ******
by MariekoWest
Summary
     Orphaned at age six, pale and withdrawn Johnathan Drake (Nathaniel)
     must prove his worth as heir to a coveted family fortune he doesn’t
     even want. Throw in Simon Loveless (Lovelace), the step-uncle who
     thinks he never will; and Lemy Tolp (Ptolemy), the charming step-
     brother who outshines him in all departments and happens to own the
     one thing Nathan really wants (but doesn't know it yet): the heart of
     his number one antagonist at school, Bartholomew Hughes (Bartimaeus).
     Will he take all or lose all?
***** Beating Time *****
For one who has lived forever, 'unforgettable' ceases to simply be something
that is very hard to forget.
When in a single drop lost in a faceless sea of allness and
nothingness, remains a drop;
In all the endlessness of eternity, a steadfast heartbeat.
Everything you thought you knew no longer exists outside but within it.
When you awaken for the first time-
And there is nothing else.
 
Unforgettable, was when I met him.
 
The boy whose soul was a fireball in a sky of nondescript stars. He burned and
blazed brightest of all, falling too hard and extinguishing himself too fast.
I had completely and unwittingly allowed myself to be tamed from the start.
Forging a bond so strong; compelling me to stay with him far longer than any of
my kind has ever been known to. Until the very limit of my threshold of
existence had been defied and only the remaining dregs of my fading essence
being plucked away could wrench me from his side. Even when the nothingness
reclaimed me, my consciousness remained with him. I knew that if only I was
free to do so…
 
I would stay with him forever.
***** Blue *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
For reasons that continued to elude it(1), the Drake estate’s undisclosed
resident- a coal grey wildcat, once again didn’t remember how it had managed to
get stuck in a tree twenty feet up.
(1) most likely chasing after supper: an imp in the guise of a field mouse
Too lazy at the moment to ponder how to get down or change shape into something
for just that purpose, it decided instead, that a nap was in order. Perhaps,
after it had digested its meal and got a good rest, it would be able to gather
up the necessary motivation to get on with life…
No sooner had it settled comfortably and began to doze off, when muffled sobs
reached its sensitive feline ears, making it twitch involuntarily.
It was late afternoon. The sun was beginning to retire, and this part of the
estate’s enormous garden that bordered the woods with a wide flowing stream,
was a spot it considered its exclusive territory. The human inhabitants usually
never encroached upon it.
Somewhat irritably, it looked towards the source of the disturbance and found a
tiny human boy. Ah. This must be the new master of the estate whom it got wind
of from a gossipy pigeon. Apparently, the boy had just moved in after his
mother and father passed away in a car accident.(2)  And though tragic as it
was for this little human, life had to go on for him. A good cry was usually a
necessary catharsis.
(2) Such is the fragility of mortal life! It was –as the humans themselves
often said, “a bitch”.
It knew all the members of the Drake Family -even the servants, but it
preferred to keep its distance. It was never one for mingling with the humans.
(3)But it was the first time it laid eyes on its young master; and in a moment
of curiosity, it had forgotten its usual circumspection.
(3) Silly, nonsensical creatures! Some with follies so notoriously infectious,
the merest interaction could have fatal consequences.
As it gazed insipidly at the new master of the estate, it couldn’t help a
twinge of sympathy.(4)However, with an hour’s passing, pity turned into
outright amazement. How could such a minute creature expend so much tears for
hours on end? Obviously, the boy had already cried a sufficient much even
before he got here(5). The cat grew impatient(6) waiting for the boy to get
tired of crying.
(4) Well, the thing did look quite pitiable! Tiny, spindly, deathly pallor for
one so young –surely no more than seven years old- and at that moment, most
inconsolable.
(5) going by how splendidly bedraggled he already was 
(6) and perhaps a tad disconcerted 
It was exhausted from playing all day and had already made up its mind to sleep
(7). Why would it relinquish its post just to give way to a noisy little human?
Gathering what it could of its reserve energy, it huffed dramatically and let
out a low keening yowl; every bit a perfect expression of its displeasure at
having been deprived of peace and quiet.
(7) because goodness knows that changing form was a such a bother when one was
tired!
Almost instantly, the boy’s soft albeit vehement sobs halted. Well,
good! Thought the cat. At least the thing finally stopped crying!
But in the next second, its otherworldly auriferous eyes fall into alignment
with a pair of unblinking opalescent pools of blue.
Although bleary and framed by a tear-stained countenance, those eyes were
unexpectedly big, bright, and sharp with intelligence. The sun’s fading
radiance seemed to be uncannily trapped within it; as though the sea and the
sunset had become one; shimmering iridescently like an otherworldly
kaleidoscopic looking glass, perfectly offsetting the dimness around him. It
caught the cat completely off-guard. In all its existence, the cat has never
seen anything like it, and so it found itself powerless to look away.
The cat and the boy stared for a very, very long moment.
When the boy blinked and wiped his face, the spell was broken. He began to move
closer, keeping his eyes on the feline.
The said feline -momentarily disorientated- took a bit longer to realize that,
for all intents and purposes… it was being rescued!(8) 
(8) Which was outrageous of course! No cat needed rescuing from a tree! If you
should in any of your wanderings find a cat up in the tree, rest assured, it is
there of its own choosing, and not because it is afraid of heights or -even
more preposterous a prospect- did not know how to go down.
The cat took a defensive stance and let out a slow, indignant hiss –a warning
of sorts- to communicate such. But humans tended to understand so little!(9).
Besides, we are talking twenty feet, and this particular human was only a
little over three! Not to mention so infinitesimally tiny and frail-looking!
How he thought he could possibly manage the feat of climbing such a height was
beyond the cat’s comprehension.
(9) And this child obviously considered himself important enough to be needed
by a cat! Honestly!
So aghast was the cat at being put in such an insulting and humiliating
situation that it instinctively backed away from the approaching boy, causing
the unimaginable to happen…
An ungainly feline cry ripped the evening’s quietude, accompanied by furious
and ultimately futile clawing; followed by a loud splash, and an
unceremoniously long –and very wet- struggle which involved a lot of flailing,
hissing, snarling, and scratching; that tragically ended with the cat‘s defeat
(10); after which- said minuscule human imagines the rescued cat had stopped
breathing, and was actually audacious enough to add further insult to its
injured pride by giving it… mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!
(10) rotten luck that I was already exhausted to begin with, and it didn’t help
that the minuscule human happened to be a skilled swimmer!
The cat –although wet, exasperated and utterly demoralized- still had enough
sane bits intact to know when it was bested. And so it no longer bothered to
resist as the persistent mortal confirmed it was alive, wrapped it snugly
within his coat, huddled the shivering ball of fur tight against his chest; and
after much bouncing and bumping -apparently taking it somewhere in a furious
sprint, the hapless creature soon found itself carefully deposited into a human
bed, hastily blow dried, and being offered a saucer of milk.(11) 
(11) And cow’s milk no less! The mere notion of it was ghastly!
When the human began to stroke its still matted fur, the cat finally came to
from its stupor. It sprung to its feet and bristled; hissing as menacingly as
it could muster. Really, it was all too much to bear! No human has ever dared
subject it to such bold-faced effrontery! One moment it was enjoying its
freedom and having a peaceful dinner of freshly chased imp; the next minute it
was being cat-napped by a wisp of a human child and now being treated like a
common house pet!(12) It defiantly clawed and bit and puffed itself up- every
bit determined to escape.
(12) Cat-napping and being domesticated- it bore no difference to a true cat of
my fine stature whatsoever!
Unfortunately, the cat still hadn’t recovered from its previous strenuous
attempts at escape. If only this human would realize that it didn’t need his
help! And that leaving it alone would have been help enough –thank you very
much!- because then, it could have easily transformed into an eagle or a trout
and all would have been well.
But it would not leave the distraught creature alone, therefore it could not
change form. So the cat was forced to parry its captor’s attacks in its current
form -which was proving yet again inferior to the deceptively frail-looking
human.(13) 
(13) I’m usually very keen at discerning a human’s strength, but I had to make
an exception in this boy’s case. Not even the best of us could have possibly
ascertained from his diminutive form that he was a practised swimmer, a sure
and swift runner, and a worthy jousting opponent in terms of reflexes and
endurance. As it stood, I had been caught completely unprepared.
The cat eventually relented its struggle against the boy’s entreating caresses;
if only to regain some of its dwindling strength. Upon doing so, it had
realized that the human had –at some point- rested his head on the bed and was
now below the creature’s eye-level.
Now if this cat had been a dishonourable one, it probably would have taken the
opportunity to gouge the human’s eyes out. But lucky for him it wasn’t. And
besides, the boy was hardly defending himself, and the cat wasn’t one to attack
without provocation. So calming somewhat, their gazes locked, and for the
second time that night, it found itself apprehended by the boy’s blue eyes.
This time staring into it from the lampshade’s more direct and artificial
illumination cast the boy’s face in an eerie clarity. The cat realized how
truly young this human was; and yet his eyes held a profound weight that seemed
only befitting to an adult. It seemed rather out of place, like some kind of
morbid injustice… Seeing those young innocent blue eyes filled with such heavy
emotion felt like being tethered to ball and chains, and sinking into a
bottomless ocean. But all the same its icy azure brightness -softened and
bleary at the edges- remained stunning as ever, and the longer the cat became
mesmerised by it, the more it seemed to forget to mind that it was drowning in
them.
The boy blinked and again, broke the spell. And just like that, the cat had
forgotten what it had been so indignant about, completely disarmed.
The boy’s eyes were red, swollen, and painfully wistful. His ivory pale face
stained with tear tracks, and the entirety of his elegant -if not gaunt and
almost feminine- visage was marred with grief. His thin red lips trembled
uncontrollably even as he forced a smile on them for the cat, trying his best
not to look anything but playful.
The cat frowned inwardly, quite affronted.(14) But despite its proud nature and
absolute dispassion for mortals and their dreary existence, the cat finally
deflated and settled into the boy’s gentle stroking, and even allowed itself to
be hugged tight(15), as the troubled little human continued to sob and heave
and tear with gaining intensity.(16)
(14) I suppose he deserved some credit for his effort. But if we were to endure
this night together, I would much rather appreciate not being taken for a fool.
I wasn’t so dense to be fooled by his pathetic attempts at being friendly. He
could at least try harder than this if he wanted to convince someone as astute
as I! 
(15) never a comfortable thing for a live cat, I can assure you. It was by no
means a meagre sacrifice 
(16) I do believe my little act of submission touched him so, and he was
sensible enough to know I knew better, so he finally gave up the ridiculous
pretence of a happy countenance. Good call too. Cats are an especially sharp
lot to human emotions, mind you. More than you probably suspect. 
Perhaps it was the fact that this boy had “technically speaking” tried to
rescue it from a tree; which led to it falling into the stream and
needing actual saving.(17) And so despite all those misfortunes “technically
speaking” being his fault to begin with, the human was still –for all intents
and purposes- being kind.
(17) I still can’t decide whether to be grossly impressed or plain shocked by
his apparent know-how in resuscitating animals. I can’t tell if he did the
right thing (obviously because I was breathing fine!), but I can tell however,
that he’s bound to get a tummy-ache later. Imp essence does not agree with the
human body, believe me. I saw a derelict human once catch a rat, cook and eat
it; not thinking for one second that it wasn’t really a rat. The man’s body
broke out in painful boils that very evening. (Of course, his case was an
extreme example since he ate the whole bloody thing. This boy merely got a
taste of what remained of the imp’s essence from my mouth, so I imagine he’ll
survive in far better shape. I hope. No one asked him to give this cat mouth-
to-mouth! Not my fault.)   
And so, the cat -a well-mannered honourable being after all that knew gratitude
and forbearance- let the boy gain what measly comfort it sought from turning it
into a living, breathing substitute for a stuffed animal, where a perfectly on
hand pillow(18) would have sufficed. After all, the cat did feel a strangely
familiar and yet still indescribable tug in its heartstrings(19) for the first
time in a hundred years. And contrary to what most godforsaken prosaic humans
believe, cats do have compunctions.(20)
(18) A more than ample supply of it lay dormant all around us, I lazily
observed as I was getting the life crushed out of me. 
(19) Yes, we do have heartstrings- and very sensitive ones too, mind you.
Humans are simply the last thing on earth that ever manage to pluck at it. 
(20)Especially so, after realizing how many red angry scratch marks I had
unintentionally adorned his face with.(21) And I -a being of noble principles-
do not adhere to unnecessary violence.
(21) It was an honest mistake. Normally, other creatures –especially humans-
would be howling in pain after a few jabs of my finely sharpened claws. This
queer human boy did not even flinch nor cry out the least! Okay, so maybe he
did flinch several times, but he wouldn’t let go! It was purely self-defence!
(And yes, that’s a footnote within a footnote. It happens.)   
However, as you may have already cleverly conjectured: this cat was no ordinary
cat, and it was by no means going to be reduced to a mere human’s pet, oh no.
This human may have earned his living-furry-fluffy “pillow time”, and this cat
was going to be forbearing and gracious about it- enough to let him literally
and figuratively squeeze this living pillow of all the comfort that it was
worth. But afterwards - when the boy has finally cried himself to sleep- it
would slip out of his choking clutches and back into the embrace of sweet
freedom! Never again to return!
At least- that was this exceptionally intelligent cat’s plan.
Until the next day, and the day after that; stretching on to the week that
followed- wherein those accursedly ethereal blue eyes haunted its every waking
moment of freedom. The cat longed to gaze into and be lost in them all over
again! Missing it like a dreamer would the constellations; feeling frightfully
empty all of a sudden at being deprived of it. More often than not, it caught
itself thinking of the boy and wondering if he still cried himself to sleep…
Did he find comfort hugging his lifeless pillows? Or did he need something more
substantial and warm to hold on to, to alleviate his sorrow? Whatever the
things that ailed him, had it been overcome?
Alas! Against all better judgement, the cat finally gave in and returned to
watch the boy as he slept from his bedroom window -which he kept open despite
the freezing cold, evidently expecting his feline friend to return. It went on
for a few nights of the week at first, and then the cat began to watch the boy
during the daytime as well. From a distance, as he poured over countless books
in the library; or during the rare occasions of agreeable weather- outside in
the grass as he leisurely read a book. Sometimes the boy would fall asleep when
a lulling breeze brought with it the promise of pleasant dreams, and the
corners of his lips would ever so subtly twitch upward, in a genuinely happy
smile. The cat knew by then that he was most likely dreaming of his mother,
whom he loved most of all, but had lost along with his father in the tragic car
accident on the afternoon of that fateful day that they had first met.
It was some weeks later that the cat –with its ever-present compunctions
nipping at its essence at the still faithfully open window despite the deathly
December frost- finally succumbed to its desire to be with the boy again.
It had observed on many occasions how the maid had entered his room to check on
him, and raised a storm in a tea-kettle over the suicidal recklessness of the
open window; chastising him quite thoroughly that Jack Frost wasn’t one to be
reckoned with. But as soon as the maid removed herself from his room, he would
jump out of the thick covers and fling open the windows, looking left and
right, high and low; a worried crease set upon his young brow, faint remnants
of the cat’s scratches still decorating his face, and yet… he never stopped
worrying about its state of affairs; cat-calling, and shouting its name as loud
as he could afford to without drawing attention to himself from the house help
down below. Until finally he would be forced to retire for the night albeit
forlornly, but still -as a last ditch effort- keeping at least half of the
window open, and awaiting the cat’s return.
The cat could not believe this human’s stubborn perseverance! With a deep sigh,
it descended from the nearby tree branch that was its observing post, and
finally leaps into the open window and up into the boy’s bed; squeezing and
wriggling underneath his slack arms, purposefully getting between the dead
pillow and the boy’s chest and -after kicking the annoying pillow off the bed
(22) - settled down as comfortably as it could in its nest.
(22) with much haughty satisfaction
Expectedly, the boy is woken by all the movement, and for the first time since
the day they met- countless tears once again streaked down his face. Only this
time, they were of intense joy and relief. The cat wheezed as it was hugged and
kissed and stroked, and at last the window was closed! and the boy contentedly
settled into the bed with his living pillow which was held close, saving him
from a night’s fitful sleep.
The cat in turn sighed, feeling relaxed and truly warm for once in a long time.
It didn’t give much thought to the fuzziness blossoming in its chest, nor to
the exciting prospect of again getting a proper glimpse of those blue eyes
tomorrow… And as the week’s toil finally dissipated, giving way to creeping
slumber, it reasoned in the back of its mind that this wasn’t so bad… it needed
a place to stay for the winter anyway.
And maybe for all the coming winters of as many winters as it could afford to
stay.
 
It was an unusually perfect sunny morning in June, when the cat decided it was
time. Like all prideful, honourable cats, it would not have its human witness
and grieve over its death; so it was always prudent to become scarce before
said tragedy occurred.
So as the cat gently nudged and licked and rubbed up affectionately against his
sleeping human’s cheek for the last time -its cat form faltering and wobbling
in its depleting life energy- a piercing ache washed over its collective
essence.(23) It was the same kind of ache it felt when it had tried to leave
the boy almost three years ago, only much, much worse.
(23) I believe it is akin to what humans call “heartbreak”
It knew was going to miss its human terribly; for everything he had, he shared
with the cat: a warm bed, lots of space to play in, much seasoned imp-mice to
eat(24), and a living scratching post whenever it needed to vent its
frustrations or simply groom its claws. And overall, despite the boy’s initial
gloomy disposition, he had turned out to be an excellent master. It treated the
cat with unfaltering respect, deepest love, and the cheeriest of friendships-
all far exceeding anything any (djinni in the guise of a) stray cat could ever
ask for.
(24)the old mansion was crawling with it
When the boy turns eighteen, he is to be the sole heir of a great deal of his
late father’s fortune and the entirety of the estate down to the last blade of
grass. But as this required that he adhere to a strict regimen of well-rounded
education and training for his future responsibilities, he had no time to play
outside and make friends as normal children his age do.
He didn’t have any other family left either, except a step-uncle who managed
the estate and business until he came of age. The boy barely knew him, let
alone talked to him- for the simple reason that the man was hardly ever around.
All he gathered from their very brief and cold encounters was that he was one
of severely austere disposition, and would frown upon any sort of dawdling
about and a hair out of place in his head.
There was also a step-brother of almost the same age, only older by eleven
months, who had come to live in the estate after he was recently orphaned as
well. But friendship was far to be expected from the said step-brother, because
he all but resented the boy for their late father’s unreserved nepotism.
To the cat’s incredulity, the first time they met and the time he returned were
the last and only times the boy allowed himself to shed so much tears and
indulge in sorrow and self-pity. It was largely due to the somewhat harsh
circumstances that surrounded the boy, that the cat stayed with him. In the
cat’s company, the boy allowed himself to smile, laugh; and enjoy many secret
walks and explorations in the forest beyond their estate whenever he finished
his duties(25) earlier than scheduled.
(25) Which he did impeccably, I have to say.
With him, the boy had a friend.
The cat would have done anything in its power to stay. But as it was, that was
the only thing it wanted now, that was beyond its power.
 
So as the cat gave in to staring at its human one last time, feeling weighed
down by the aforementioned ache which had grown exponentially in the span of
its short trip from the boy’s bed to its present perch on the windowsill, it
dallied for as long as it could...
“I’m quite sure of it now,” said the cat softly; disconsolately.
There was a secret happiness welling from its heart despite the agony that
accompanied it. And it felt pride at being able to experience such a silly
wonderful thing, even if it practically tore what remained of its essence to
shambles.
Whether I had nine or nine thousand lives I would gladly spend all of it all
over again by your side.
“I love you.”
And with a final glance, and a regrettable stab of sorrow at not being able to
gaze a last time upon blue eyes that it had grown so fond of- the cat vanished
into the darkness beyond…
Good-bye, Nathaniel.
 
And the boy, for the third instance in his life, cried much tears when he
awoke and never saw his cat Bartimaeus again.
Chapter End Notes
     This was bound to happen sooner than never. Merp.
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